>> PREVIOUSLY ON NIP/TUCK...
>> SEAN McNAMARA, YOU ARE THE
NEW STAR OF HEARTS 'N SCALPELS!
SEAN McNAMARA IS SEXY AND
VULNERABLE, SO YOU'RE GONNA BE
SEEING A LOT MORE SCENES LIKE
THIS ON HEARTS 'N SCALPELS.
>> I MADE SOME FRUITCAKE.
IT'S SORT OF A PEACE OFFERING.
>> [GAGGING]
>> SO TELL ME, WHAT EXACTLY DOES
A FLUFFER OF YOUR CALIBER DO?
>> I GOT N.G.U. THAT MEANS
I GAVE IT TO YOU.
>> LOOK ME IN THE EYES AND TELL
ME YOU'RE NOT ATTRACTED TO ME.
>> I AM ATTRACTED TO YOU.
>> I'M IN LOVE WITH HER,
AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO
ABOUT IT.
>> AVA'S A MAN.
>> WANT A DRINK?
>> YOU GOT A GODDAMN DICK. I'M
NOT GAY! OK?! I'M NOT INTO THAT!
IS THAT A SWASTIKA ON IT?
>> I'M NOT A NAZI, MATT,
BUT I AM A PURIST.
>> THE TECH WORKS, MATT.
YOU JUST GOTTA TRUST IT.
>> MARRIED?
>> MATT AND I EXCHANGED
OUR VOWS 3 DAYS AGO.
I NEVER LOVED YOU, MATT.
I TOLD YOU I DID, BUT I LIED.
>> I'M RACHEL BEN NATAN, YOUR
BURN REHABILITATION COUNSELOR.
I'M HERE TO ASSIST YOU.
>> HEY, LISTEN TO THIS. "HEARTS
'N SCALPELS HAS SUNK TO A NEW
LOW. WHAT WAS ONCE A MILDLY
INTERESTING MELODRAMA HAS NOW
REPLACED ITS SOLE CHARISMATIC
PLAYER, AIDAN STONE, WITH THE
MILQUETOAST DR. SEAN McNAMARA.
WHILE STONE DOES THE REQUISITE
HOLLYWOOD STAR TURN IN REHAB,
McNAMARA RUINS THE ROME THAT HE
BUILT. HE'S SO DULL AS DR. PETER
CASEY, THE BEST THING I CAN SAY
IS THAT WATCHING HIM IS A CURE
FOR INSOMNIA, OR MAYBE HE'S
THE ANSWER TO GLOBAL WARMING,
FOR SOON TELEVISIONS AROUND
THE NATION WILL GO DARK."
OH, MY GOD. I AM SO GLAD THAT
I TOOK THAT OUT OF THE LOBBY
BEFORE SEAN GOT TO SEE IT.
>> LET ME LOOK AT THIS THING.
"AND I'M NOT YET SPEAKING
OF McNAMARA'S ABILITIES AS
AN ACTOR. I CAN'T GET PAST THE
FACE, OR SHOULD I SAY CARDBOARD
BOX ON SHOULDERS, A PUDDLE OF
MUDDY WATER, A JELLYFISH WITHOUT
THE STING? MY ONLY WISH IS THAT
HE TURN THAT SCALPEL ON HIMSELF.
PERHAPS A SCAR COULD BRING SOME
CHARACTER TO THAT BROWN PAPER
BAG McNAMARA CALLS A HEAD."
OH...
>> WHAT ARE YOU READING?
>> OH, EH--
>> NOTHING. UM, IS YOUR
10:00 HERE?
>> AUGUST WALDEN'S REVIEW
OF HEARTS 'N SCALPELS
IN ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY.
>> GUESS HE DOESN'T LIKE ME
VERY MUCH.
>> YOU ARE VERY HANDSOME, SEAN,
AND WALDEN DOESN'T LIKE ANYBODY.
I MEAN, HE SAID THAT
JAMES GANDOLFINI LOOKED LIKE
A SCROTUM WITH LEGS.
>> IF YOU'RE GONNA BE A TV STAR,
BUDDY BOY, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
GET A THICK SKIN ABOUT THIS KIND
OF STUFF. HEH HEH.
>> YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'LL SEE YOU IN THE CONSULT.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> WHAT?
>> YOU KNOW WHAT.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
[FOOTSTEPS]
>> OH, COME ON, MAN. WHO GIVES
A CRAP WHAT SOME JEALOUS LOSER
WANNABE SAYS? IF IT MAKES YOU
FEEL BETTER, JUST GET A GOOD
REVIEW AND READ IT 10 TIMES
OVER. THAT'S WHAT I DO ON
THE ODD OCCASION SOME SEXY LADY
DECLINES TO DO THE HORIZONTAL
SHUFFLE WITH ME. I FILL
MY DANCE CARD WITH 10 MORE.
>> YOU'VE NEVER HAD ANYONE
TELL YOU YOUR HEAD LOOKS LIKE
A BROWN PAPER BAG.
>> TRUE.
OH, COME ON. YOU'RE A
GOOD-LOOKING GUY. LOOK,
I'LL TAKE THIS CONSULT. YOU GO
GET YOURSELF SOME ICE CREAM OR
A LOLLIPOP OR SOMETHIN'. EH?
>> [SIGHS]
>> * AHH,
MAKE ME
BEAUTIFUL *
* MAKE ME
THE PERFECT SOUL,
A PERFECT MIND,
A PERFECT FACE,
A PERFECT
LIE *
Sean: SHE WAS OVER AT OUR HOUSE
THE OTHER DAY, YOU KNOW.
Christian: FALAFEL FACE?
>> YEAH. SHE AND MATT
WERE LOCKED IN HIS ROOM
FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.
>> "LOCKED IN HIS ROOM"
LOCKED IN HIS ROOM?
>> SOUNDED LIKE IT. I DIDN'T
HEAR ANY TALKING.
[DOOR OPENS]
>> OH. HEY, GUYS.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOIN'
OVER THERE?
>> THESE ARE ALL THE SURGERIES
WE'VE PERFORMED ON RACHEL.
>> 6 OF THEM. CAN YOU TELL
A DIFFERENCE?
>> A LITTLE.
>> YOU'RE BEIN' TOO GENEROUS.
WE HAVE RELIEVED MOST OF HER
PAIN, GIVEN HER CHEEKBONES
SOME DEFINITION, AND RESTORED
ABOUT 60% OF HER SENSE OF SMELL.
>> OTHERWISE, SHE LOOKS
EXACTLY THE SAME.
>> UH, WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
>> THE POINT IS SHE'S NEVER
GONNA LOOK ANY BETTER THAN THIS.
>> OH, RIGHT. AND LOOKS ARE ALL
THAT MATTER.
>> OF COURSE NOT.
>> LOOK, I'M JUST GONNA SAY IT,
ALL RIGHT? I DON'T CARE IF SHE
SHITS SOLID GOLD. YOU CAN'T
UNDERESTIMATE THE BURDEN THAT
COMES WITH DATING SOMEBODY
LIKE THIS.
>> YOU TWO ARE UNBELIEVABLE.
LOOK, SHE NURSED ME THROUGH MY
RECOVERY. SHE MADE ME FEEL LIKE
I WAS ACTUALLY WORTH SOMETHING.
>> ARE YOU WEARING RUBBERS
WITH HER?
>> WH-WHY?
>> WHY? BECAUSE YOU'RE A PERFECT
CATCH FOR A GIRL LIKE THIS.
SHE FORGETS TO TAKE HER PILL
ONE DAY, A-AND YOU'RE TRAPPED
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
>> YOU GUYS ARE SUCH ASSHOLES.
>> MATT, WAIT. MATT, YOU WERE
VULNERABLE WHEN YOU MET HER.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF ONE BAD
RELATIONSHIP. WE JUST DON'T WANT
TO SEE YOU GETTING BURIED
IN ANOTHER ONE.
>> NO, YOU JUST DON'T WANT YOUR
SON DATING SOME GIRL WHO'S
WALKING PROOF THAT YOU TWO
AREN'T GODS, THAT YOU CAN'T MAKE
EVERYONE LOOK PERFECT. YOU KNOW,
YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN MESSIN' WITH
PEOPLE'S FACES FOR SO LONG THAT
I DON'T EVEN THINK YOU KNOW
WHAT UGLY LOOKS LIKE ANYMORE.
>> MISS LOWELL, TELL ME WHAT YOU
DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF.
>> [SOUTHERN ACCENT] YOU'RE
SWEET. NO ONE'S EVER PRETENDED
NOT TO NOTICE BEFORE.
BUT CALL ME EMME.
>> EMME, IF THERE'S ONE THING
I'VE LEARNED IN THIS BUSINESS,
IT'S NOT TO ASSUME. SO TELL ME,
YOU WANT A NOSE JOB?
>> HEH. WHEN I FIRST SAW YOUR
PICTURE ONLINE, I DIDN'T THINK
YOU'D BE SO FUNNY.
>> HEH.
>> I LIKE IT. MAKES THE PLANE
TRIP OUT HERE EVEN
MORE WORTHWHILE.
>> SO WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
SOUTH CAROLINA?
>> PLEASE. I'M A JERSEY GIRL,
BORN AND RAISED.
GUESS WE BOTH HAVE THE SAME
SENSE OF HUMOR, HUH? ACTUALLY,
I'M FROM CLEVELAND,
GEORGIA. IT'S A TINY, LITTLE
TOWN IN THE SMOKY MOUNTAINS
UP NORTH. THIS IS MY FIRST TIME
TRAVELIN' AWAY FROM HOME, IF YOU
CAN BELIEVE IT. [SIGHS] I THINK
I'M AFRAID OF FLYING, TOO.
>> YET YOU GOT ON A PLANE FOR
THE FIRST TIME EVER AND CAME ALL
THE WAY OUT HERE FOR A CONSULT.
WHY?
>> YOU'RE THE DOCTOR WHO SET UP
THE HEDDA GRUBMAN FUND, RIGHT?
WELL, I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF
MONEY, AND WHEN I WENT ON GOOGLE
AND TYPED IN "FREE PLASTIC
SURGERY," YOUR NAME CAME UP AND
SAID YOU DO CASES LIKE MINE FOR
NO PAY. WELL, YOU KNOW, WHERE
BIRTH DEFECTS ARE INVOLVED.
>> HEH. TECHNICALLY WHAT YOU
HAVE IS CALLED NAEVUS FLAMMEUS.
IT'S WHERE THE, UH, DEEP
DILATED CAPILLARIES, UH,
CAUSE THE SKIN TO TURN A REDDISH
PURPLE. IT'S REALLY MORE OF
A BIRTHMARK THAN A SKIN DEFECT.
IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE COMMON.
ONE IN 3,000 NEWBORNS HAVE IT.
>> NOT LIKE THIS, THEY DON'T.
>> THE PROCEDURE INVOLVES, UH,
SEVERAL LASER TREATMENTS. I KNOW
YOU FLEW ALL THE WAY OUT HERE,
BUT I REALLY HAVE A VERY LONG
WAITING LIST RIGHT NOW.
>> A WAITIN' LIST? I'VE WAITED
24 YEARS. I SPENT ALL I HAD JUST
TO GET OUT HERE, AND THEN
THE CAB RIDE FROM THE AIRPORT
COST ALMOST AS MUCH AS
THE PLANE. YOU EVER READ
THE SCARLET LETTER, DR. TROY?
>> IN COLLEGE, YES.
>> THAT'S WHAT MY MOM USED TO
CALL THIS, HER SCARLET LETTER,
SAID IT WAS THE SHAME SHE HAD TO
BEAR FOR HAVIN' ME WITH SOME
ONE-NIGHT STAND. BUT IT'S NOT
JUST HER. I'VE NEVER BEEN
ACCEPTED BY ANYONE MY WHOLE LIFE
BECAUSE OF THIS FACE. THAT'S THE
REAL REASON I NEVER LEFT HOME
UNTIL NOW. AND NOW THAT I'M
HERE, I CAN'T GO BACK LOOKIN'
LIKE THIS. I WON'T.
[BELL RINGS]
>> YOU KNOW, WHEN AUGUST WALDEN
GAVE ME MY FIRST REVIEW,
I ATE AN ENTIRE BOX OF THOSE,
EVEN THE KINDS WITH SPRINKLES,
WHICH I DON'T EVEN LOVE,
AND A HALF A TRAY OF SAUSAGES.
I WAS SO BLOATED I COULDN'T
GET MY COSTUME ZIPPED
AFTER MY LUNCHTIME COMA.
IT WAS RIDICULOUS.
>> SO THIS IS WHAT THIS DOES?
RIPS PEOPLE TO SHREDS?
>> YEAH. LET'S SEE. UH,
"THE DREARY KATE TINSLEY BRINGS
TO MIND A SULLEN COONHOUND." UH,
"HER BODY RESEMBLES THAT OF
A BUTTERNUT SQUASH, AND HER
SPEECH PATTERN MAKES ME WONDER
IF SHE HASN'T YET SWALLOWED HER
BREAKFAST KIBBLE." YEAH.
EMBLAZONED ON MY BRAIN FOREVER.
>> I HOPE YOU'VE GOT SOME OF
YOUR GOOD REVIEWS MEMORIZED
AS WELL.
>> YEAH, WELL, THE GOOD ONES,
YOU FORGET. THE BAD ONES ARE
FOREVER. AHEM.
>> OH--
>> YOU LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT,
YOU KNOW. I MEAN, BEING IN
THE SPOTLIGHT, YOU, UM--
YOU'RE ASKING PEOPLE TO WEIGH IN
ON WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE. WHAT YOU
CAN AVOID IS CHOOSING A LOVER
WHO LOOKS AT YOU WITH
A CRITIC'S EYE.
>> SO, WHERE DOES THIS GUY LIVE?
HEH. WHO KNOWS? MAYBE ONE NIGHT
I'LL GET HAMMERED AND SHOW UP
AT HIS DOOR AND TAKE HIM OUT.
>> ACTUALLY HE ALWAYS HANGS OUT
AT THAT COFFEE SHOP OVER ON
RIVERSIDE. SITS THERE ALL DAY
LONG TYPING ON HIS COMPUTER. OF
COURSE NO ONE WANTS TO CONFRONT
HIM. EVERYONE'S SO SCARED OF HIS
SCATHING TONGUE, YOU KNOW.
>> YOU KNOW, YOU SEEM LIKE
YOU'RE IN A GOOD PLACE.
I'M SORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING.
I HOPE WE CAN BE FRIENDS.
>> YEAH, WE'RE GOOD.
ON ONE CONDITION. YOU ACTUALLY
DO IT. GO TO THE COFFEE SHOP.
RIP THE GUY A NEW ONE ON BEHALF
OF ACTORS EVERYWHERE AND RECORD
IT ON YOUR CELLPHONE SO I CAN
WATCH IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
>> IT'S NOT REALLY MY STYLE.
>> REALLY? MILQUETOAST? "HIS
FACE LOOKS LIKE A CARDBOARD BOX
ON SHOULDERS, A," UM, "PUDDLE OF
MUDDY WATER." UM, "JELLYFISH
WITHOUT THE STING." YOU GONNA
LET THAT GO? [LAUGHS]
[SIGHS] PUDDLE OF MUDDY WATER.
[GODZILLA BY BLUE OYSTER CULT
PLAYING]
>> * WITH A PURPOSEFUL GRIMACE
AND A TERRIBLE SOUND,
HE PULLS THE SPITTING
HIGH-TENSION WIRES DOWN *
* HELPLESS PEOPLE
ON A SUBWAY TRAIN
SCREAM BUG-EYED
AS HE LOOKS IN ON THEM *
* HE PICKS UP A BUS... *
>> HERE'S YOUR DOUBLE ESPRESSO,
MR. WALDEN.
>> * ...CENTER OF TOWN *
* OHH *
>> AUGUST WALDEN?
>> HAVE WE MET?
>> NOT OFFICIALLY. I'M THE
PUDDLE OF MUDDY WATER WHICH
CAN ONLY EVOKE YAWNS
FROM THE AUDIENCE.
>> AH, YES. AND A MEMORABLE
APPEARANCE OFF-SCREEN AS WELL
AS ON.
>> YOU KNOW, I CAME HERE WITH
THE INTENTION OF GETTING SOME
SORT OF APOLOGY FROM YOU FOR
THE WAY YOU JUST ATTACK PEOPLE,
BUT NOW I GET IT. NOW I
UNDERSTAND WHY YOU DO IT.
>> I DO IT BECAUSE I AM PAID
TO ADVISE THE GENERAL PUBLIC OF
WHAT AND WHOM IS WORTHY OF THEIR
ATTENTION AND ADMIRATION.
>> JUST CUT THE SHIT, WILL YOU?
YOU'RE SO EATEN UP WITH
JEALOUSY, SO FULL OF
SELF-CONTEMPT BECAUSE OF YOUR
OWN EXTRAORDINARY UGLINESS,
YOU HAVE TO MAKE OTHERS PAY.
I SHOULDN'T BE ASKING YOU FOR
AN APOLOGY. I SHOULD BE
APOLOGIZING TO YOU FOR WHAT YOU
HAVE TO GO THROUGH EVERY DAY
LOOKING THE WAY YOU DO. IF ONLY
MAKING OTHER PEOPLE FEEL BADLY
COULD MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
>> * GODZILLA *
>> * ZILLA, ZILLA, ZILLA-- *
[BEEP]
>> HEY, BABY, IT'S CHRISTIAN.
JUST CONFIRMING LUNCH TODAY.
[BEEP]
[MUTED SOFT JAZZ PLAYING]
[BOTH GRUNTING AND MOANING]
>> THOUGHT YOU'D GONE.
I WOULD HAVE.
>> WHO WAS SHE, SOMEONE YOU
PICKED UP AT THE CARWASH,
THE DRUGSTORE?
>> GAS STATION.
>> YOU REALLY DON'T GIVE A SHIT
ABOUT ME AT ALL, DO YOU?
>> FOR YEARS, I'VE FANTASIZED
ABOUT BEING WITH YOU. IT'S JUST
IN MY HEAD, YOU WERE SO PERFECT.
BUT IN LIFE, WITH ALL THIS MESSY
PAIN AND ILLNESS AND GODDAMN
REGRET, IT'S JUST--
IT'S NOT THE SAME, IS IT?
I'M SORRY. I CAN'T CHANGE
WHO I AM. I TRIED.
>> YEAH, YOU'VE BEEN IN MY HEAD
FOR A LONG TIME, TOO, ALWAYS
THERE TEMPTING ME. ONLY, IN MY
HEAD, YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL, DEEP
DOWN, YOU HAD A KIND, CARING
SOUL. AND ONLY NOW DO I SEE JUST
HOW UGLY YOU REALLY ARE.
OH, MY GOD. WHAT A MISTAKE I'VE
MADE. [SIGHS] I HAD A SECOND
CHANCE WITH OLIVIA--KIND, CARING
IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH,
YOU KNOW. AND I'VE BLOWN IT,
WASTING ALL MY TIME ON YOU.
>> IT'S NOT LIKE I DON'T
LOVE YOU.
I JUST WANT US TO BE FRIENDS.
>> FRIENDS? HEH. YOU HAVE DONE
A LOT OF THINGS IN YOUR TIME,
CHRISTIAN, BUT TO DO THIS TO ME
NOW, WHEN I NEEDED YOU SO MUCH.
MAYBE ONE DAY I'LL BE ABLE
TO FORGIVE, BUT I KNOW THAT
I'LL NEVER FORGET.
[DOOR CLOSES]
>> SO, TELL ME WHAT YOU
DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF,
ALTHOUGH IT'S SADLY OBVIOUS.
>> I THOUGHT IT WOULD ONLY BE
FAIR TO WRITE A REVIEW
OF MY APPEARANCE.
>> I'D LIKE TO HEAR IT.
>> "IN ALL MY YEARS, I'VE NEVER
MET AN UGLIER HUMAN BEING THAN
AUGUST WALDEN. THOUGH CALLING
HIM HUMAN COULD BE CONSTRUED
AS AN INSULT TO THE PHYLUM."
>> PLEASE, CONTINUE.
>> "BELOW THE MATING
CATERPILLARS WALDEN CALLS BROWS,
TWO EXTREMELY FARSIGHTED EYES
DROOP LIKE A BASSET HOUND'S
UNDER THE PULL OF GRAVITY.
IN FACT, HIS ENTIRE FACE LOOKS
AS IF IT'S BEEN PULLED AND
STRETCHED BY A HYPERACTIVE
TODDLER PLAYING WITH
SILLY PUTTY."
>> ALL RIGHT, LOOK, THE OTHER
DAY I WAS MAYBE A BIT TOO HARSH.
IF I'M THE REASON YOU'RE HERE--
>> YOU ARE THE REASON I'M HERE,
DR. McNAMARA. I AM THANKFUL FOR
YOUR WORDS. YOU WERE RIGHT AND
FRANKLY THE FIRST PERSON TO SAY
IT TO MY HORRIFIC FACE. I HAVE
BEEN ISOLATING MYSELF FOR YEARS
BEHIND THIS HALLOWEEN MASK,
SCARING AWAY EVERYONE
WITH WHOM I COME IN CONTACT,
IN PARTICULAR, A YOUNG LADY OF
WHOM I HAVE GROWN FOND, A LITHE
BEAUTY OF A BARISTA AT THE CAFE.
EVERY DAY, DOCTOR, I AM THERE
TRYING TO CONNECT WITH HER,
YET UNABLE TO HOLD HER GAZE FOR
MORE THAN A MERE MOMENT. CAN YOU
HELP ME CONNECT WITH HER,
DR. McNAMARA?
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I TOLD YOU TO STAY IN BED.
>> WELL, SINCE THE SURGERY WAS
FREE, I FIGURED I HAD TO DO
SOMETHING TO PAY YOU BACK. OH,
I CLEANED THE BATHROOM, TOO.
HEH. SOMEONE DOES YOU A FAVOR,
YOU DO ONE BACK.
>> WELL, TAKE A BREAK. SIT DOWN.
I NEED TO SEE HOW
YOU'RE HEALING.
>> DON'T YOU THINK IT'D BE
BETTER IF YOU FOUND A PLASTIC
SURGEON YOU DIDN'T JUST TRASH
IN YOUR MAGAZINE?
>> HEH. IF I DID, I COULDN'T
CORRECT THE ERROR OF MY WAYS.
AFTER THE SURGERY, I WILL
HAPPILY WRITE ANOTHER CRITIQUE
OF HEARTS 'N SCALPELS AND
SPECIFICALLY YOU, WHICH I CAN
ASSURE YOU YOU WILL APPRECIATE
MORE THAN THE LAST.
>> SO MAYBE MY FACE ISN'T
A CARDBOARD BOX ON SHOULDERS?
>> I WAS THINKING MORE ALONG
THE LINES OF "REMINISCENT OF
A YOUNG GARY COOPER."
>> OH.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT THE KIDS
USED TO CALL ME IN SCHOOL?
SWAMP THING. ISN'T THAT AWFUL?
THE BOYS WOULDN'T GO NEAR ME
IN HIGH SCHOOL 'CAUSE OF HOW
I LOOKED. I NEVER EVEN HAD
A REAL BOYFRIEND, THOUGH I DID
MEET THIS ONE GUY ONLINE.
SOMETHIN' WRONG?
>> NO. IT'S--COME HERE.
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> THERE ARE ETHICAL QUESTIONS
TO ME PERFORMING YOUR SURGERY,
CONFLICTS OF INTEREST.
>> IF YOU HAVE AN OPENING,
DOCTOR, I AM READY TO GO
UNDER THE KNIFE IMMEDIATELY.
>> WE HAVE AN OPENING AT 2:00.
[BUZZING]
[THE UGLY DUCKLING
BY DANNY KAYE PLAYING]
>> W--I COULD REALLY USE
SOME LIPSTICK, COULDN'T I?
>> * THERE ONCE WAS
AN UGLY DUCKLING WITH FEATHERS
ALL STUBBY AND BROWN... *
>> AND MY--MY HAIR'S A MESS.
>> * IN SO MANY WORDS SAID,
"PPPT, GET OUT OF TOWN,"
NOT A QUACK, NOT A QUACK,
NOT A WADDLE OR A QUACK,
BUT A GLIDE AND A WHISTLE
AND A SNOWY WHITE BACK
AND A HEAD SO NOBLE
AND HIGH... *
>> EMME, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
>> * NOT I,
NOT I *
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
>> HEY, MATTIE.
>> OH. HEY.
>> HOW YOU DOIN'?
>> UH, I'M DOIN' ALL RIGHT.
>> NICE FLOWERS.
>> OH. UH, THANKS. YEAH.
THEY'RE FOR MY GIRLFRIEND.
SHE'S IN RECOVERY.
>> EMME, THIS IS MATT.
>> HI.
>> EMME JUST HAD A PORT STAIN
REMOVED FROM HER FACE.
DOESN'T SHE LOOK GREAT?
>> YEAH. SURE. CONGRATULATIONS.
>> WE'RE GOING TO, UH, NEIMAN'S
TO CELEBRATE. YOU SHOULD COME
WITH. WE COULD HAVE LUNCH.
>> UM, YEAH, NO, THANKS.
I'M, UH--I'M GONNA WATCH MUNICH
WITH RACHEL.
>> FUN.
>> YEAH.
>> WELL, EMME'S NEW IN TOWN,
SO MAYBE YOU GUYS SHOULD GET
TOGETHER LATER, AND YOU COULD
SHOW HER THE SIGHTS.
>> UH, STOP IT, CHRISTIAN.
>> STOP WHAT?
>> LOOK, EMME, YOU LOOK GREAT,
AND I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU,
BUT CONTRARY TO SOME PEOPLE'S
OPINION, I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND
WHO I LOVE VERY MUCH.
>> LEARNING HEBREW?
>> YEAH. I'M TAKIN' A COURSE
AT THE JEWISH COMMUNITY CENTER.
>> JESUS. YOU'LL TAKE ANY KIND
OF KOOL-AID A GIRL FEEDS YOU,
HUH?
>> IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.
>> HONEY?
HONEY?
OH, HOW ARE YOU? I'VE BEEN
SO WORRIED. OH, MY GOD.
YOU LOOK SO SICK.
>> I KNOW HOW TERRIBLE I LOOK.
AND IT'S FUNNY, YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE I'VE ALWAYS RELIED ON
A CERTAIN BEAUTY, AND IT'S
REALLY SUPERFICIAL, I KNOW,
BUT WITHOUT IT, I JUST--
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM.
JUST DON'T GET UPSET, PLEASE.
>> I THINK YOU'RE THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL PERSON I HAVE EVER
KNOWN IN EVERY SINGLE WAY.
I'VE REALLY MISSED YOU, JULIA.
I'M NOT GONNA LET ANYTHING
HAPPEN TO YOU. YOU'RE MY ANGEL.
>> I'VE BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR
WITH CHRISTIAN.
YEAH. ITS OVER, FINALLY AND
FOR THE LAST TIME. I FEEL LIKE
I'VE BEEN IN A FEVER DREAM.
WELL, A NIGHTMARE, REALLY.
I--I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW YOU CAN
FORGIVE ME, LET ALONE LOVE ME.
>> NO USE GETTING ANGRY.
WE GOTTA PUT THAT ENERGY INTO
ACTION. WE'RE GONNA SEND THAT
HAIR TO A LAB IN WESTBURY,
VIRGINIA. THEY'VE MADE SOME
AMAZING DIAGNOSTICS FOR ME
IN THE PAST.
>> I HAVE BEEN TO EVERY DOCTOR
IN L.A., AND NO ONE SEEMS
TO KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.
>> WESTERN DOCTORS. GOD,
THEY ALL HAVE THEIR NARROW,
LITTLE FOCUS. NO ONE'S LOOKING
AT THE BIG PICTURE.
WE'RE GONNA FIND OUT WHAT'S
WRONG WITH YOU. I PROMISE.
>> JULIA, WOULD YOU LIKE HONEY
IN YOUR TEA?
>> UH, NO, THANKS. YOU KNOW,
YOU--YOU REALLY HAVE BEEN
A DOLL, EDEN. I KNOW WE'VE HAD
OUR DIFFERENCES, BUT FRANKLY,
YOU'VE BEEN THE ONLY ONE WHO'S
LIFTED A FINGER FOR ME SINCE
OLIVIA HASN'T BEEN HERE.
>> WELL, I KNOW I ACT UP
SOMETIMES, BUT YOU'RE SICK.
KIND OF TAKES THE FUN OUT OF IT.
HEY, THERE'S ONE MORE PIECE
OF FRUITCAKE IN THE FRIDGE.
YOU WANT ME TO GET IT?
>> OK. YEAH. SURE. IT SEEMS
TO BE THE ONLY THING I CAN
KEEP DOWN.
>> I REALLY HAVE TO BAKE YOU
ANOTHER OF THESE. WHO KNEW YOU
LOVED FRUITCAKE SO MUCH? WELL,
DON'T BE SHY. YOU'RE THE ONLY
ONE WHO EATS IT.
>> I THINK I'LL, UM, TAKE IT
TO MY ROOM FOR LATER.
>> READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP,
DR. McNAMARA?
>> SOMETIMES WE MAKE
MIRACULOUS IMPROVEMENTS WITH
A SINGLE SURGERY, AND IN OTHER
MORE SERIOUS CASES, WE HOPE
FOR INCREMENTAL IMPROVEMENTS.
IT MAY TAKE A FEW MORE SURGERIES
THAN I ANTICIPATED.
>> I'M NOT GOING TO DO ANY MORE.
>> WHY NOT? I THOUGHT YOU--
>> NO, MATT WAS THE ONE WHO
KEPT PUSHING AND PUSHING,
BUT MY PLANS HAVE CHANGED.
>> SEAN, OUR 11:00's EARLY.
SHE'S IN MY OFFICE.
>> DR. TROY, IN CASE I DON'T
SEE YOU AGAIN, I JUST WANTED TO
THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU'VE DONE.
I'M LEAVING, GOING BACK
TO ISRAEL.
>> MATTIE DIDN'T MENTION
ANYTHING ABOUT THAT.
>> I HAVEN'T TOLD HIM YET.
HE'S A NICE BOY, BUT HE'S
VERY CONFUSED.
>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
YOU AND MATT, HE THINKS--
>> I KNOW WHAT HE THINKS.
HE THINKS I AM THE ANSWER,
THAT JUDAISM IS THE ANSWER.
HE GOES FROM ONE THING TO
ANOTHER. THE ANSWER'S ALWAYS OUT
THERE SOMEWHERE. HE NEEDS TO GO
INSIDE. THAT'S THE ONLY PLACE
IT IS.
>> DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD BE
TELLING MATT ABOUT THIS?
>> TELL ME WHAT?
>> WE HAVE A CONSULTATION.
STICK AROUND AFTER,
AND WE'LL TALK, OK?
>> HEY. YOU LOOK GOOD.
WHAT'S WRONG?
>> I'M GOING HOME, MATT,
BACK TO TEL AVIV.
>> WHY? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
>> IT IS NOT RIGHT BETWEEN US,
MATT. I JUST--
I DON'T LOVE YOU.
>> I--I THOUGHT WHAT WE SHARED--
>> WAS LOVELY, YES, BUT I'M NOT
ATTRACTED TO YOU. I'M SO SORRY,
BUT I'M NOT.
>> YOU'RE NOT ATTRACTED TO ME?
>> ATTRACTION HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH WHAT THE PERSON LOOKS LIKE.
IT'S AN INNER CHEMISTRY.
IT'S THERE, OR IT ISN'T.
>> YEAH. I'M SORRY, BUT, UM,
HAVE YOU LOOKED IN A MIRROR
LATELY?
>> I KNOW WHAT YOU MUST THINK.
YOU THINK BECAUSE I AM NOT
BEAUTIFUL, I HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE
PICKY. PERHAPS YOU THOUGHT YOU
COULD AVOID GETTING HURT BY
CHOOSING SOMEONE TOO DESPERATE
TO REJECT YOU.
>> NO. YOU KNOW WHAT? SCREW YOU,
OK? I MEAN, YOU AND ALL
YOUR BULLSHIT ABOUT HOW LOOKS
DON'T MATTER, LIKE YOU'RE SOME
POSTER GIRL FOR INNER STRENGTH.
>> YOU WON'T FIND THE PARTS OF
YOURSELF THAT ARE MISSING IN ME.
YOU NEED TO LOOK INSIDE. ONLY
THEN WILL YOU BE ABLE TO EXPRESS
LOVE INSTEAD OF NEED.
>> NEED? I DON'T NEED YOU,
RACHEL. I FELT SORRY FOR YOU,
BECAUSE THE ONLY CHEMICAL
REACTION YOU'RE GONNA GET
FROM A MAN IS PITY. HERE.
THESE ARE FOR YOU. ENJOY 'EM.
[VOICE ECHOING]
>> ...DREAM COME TRUE. I'M NOT--
NO, YOU'RE THE ONE LIVING
WITH REGRETS, NOT ME.
[DING]
[HANGS UP]
[SNIFFLING]
[KNOCK KNOCK]
>> HEY, EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
>> OH. MY MOTHER. SHE CAN BE
A LITTLE, UH, OVERPROTECTIVE,
I GUESS.
>> UH, DO YOU WANNA GO GRAB
SOME LUNCH?
>> THERE WAS NO WAY I THOUGHT
YOU COULD DO THAT AGAIN.
>> I DIDN'T THINK I COULD DO IT
AGAIN EITHER.
>> [SIGHS]
>> MMM. MAN, I--I HAVE NEVER
FELT A CONNECTION LIKE THIS
BEFORE. IT'S AMAZING.
>> HEH. IT'S LIKE WE JUST
FIT TOGETHER.
>> YEAH.
>> OUR BODIES, OUR SKIN.
>> IT'S AMAZING.
>> GOD, I ALWAYS WANTED MY FIRST
TIME TO BE SPECIAL LIKE THIS.
>> YOUR FIRST TIME? I JUST TOOK
YOUR VIRGINITY?
>> YOU'RE NOT UPSET, ARE YOU?
>> UPSET? ARE YOU KIDDIN' ME?
I'M HONORED. I'M HONORED.
>> HEH.
THESE LAST DAYS HAVE JUST BEEN
SO AMAZING. LET'S SEE. FIRST, I
MET MY FATHER, AND THEN I GOT MY
FACE FIXED, AND THEN I MET YOU.
>> WOW. YOU MET YOUR FATHER?
>> AND I LOOK JUST LIKE HIM,
I THINK. OH, AND WE HAVE
THE SAME SENSE OF HUMOR, A--
IT'S AMAZING, JUST AMAZING.
>> WHO IS HE?
>> MY PLASTIC SURGEON, DR. TROY.
[MAN SINGING IN
FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
>> THEY STILL SAVED MY SAME
TABLE FOR ME, DR. McNAMARA.
NOW I'M CROSSING MY FINGERS THAT
A CERTAIN SOMEONE BOTHERS ME
CONSTANTLY.
>> YEAH. WHERE IS SHE?
>> BRAN MUFFIN. THANKS.
>> OOH. SHE'S VERY PRETTY.
>> THE APPLE OF MY EYE.
>> I'M GONNA GO CLEAN.
>> WELCOME BACK, MR. WALDEN.
ALMOST DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU.
WE'VE GOT A FRESH BATCH OF
PUMPKIN MUFFINS TODAY. OH, AND,
UH, BY THE WAY, THANKS.
YOU CHANGED MY LIFE.
>> IS THAT SO?
>> WELL, I WAS IN AN EPISODE
OF NCIS THAT YOU REVIEWED.
YOU SAID THAT YOU'D RATHER CLEAN
CAT PISS OUT OF THE CARPET
THAN WATCH ANOTHER MOMENT OF MY
ACTING, THAT MY PORTRAYAL OF
A KIDNAPPING RAPIST WAS WORSE
THAN THE CRIME COMMITTED.
>> THEN YOU'RE LUCKY YOU
STILL HAVE THIS JOB.
>> YOU KILLED MY DREAM.
JUST WHEN I WAS STARTIN' TO
PICK UP MOMENTUM, MY RECURRING
ROLE ON THE SHOW WAS DROPPED.
MY AGENT LEFT ME. I DON'T MAKE
ENOUGH MONEY HERE TO MAKE RENT.
I HAVE TO GO BACK TO OREGON
AND LIVE WITH MY MOTHER.
>> AND I AM TO BLAME? YOU NEED
TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR
LACK OF ARTISTRY, NOT TO MENTION
INSIGHT.
>> YEAH, I DO. I TAKE FULL
RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY CAREER
AND FOR THIS.
>> [SCREAMING]
>> OK, SO ACCORDING TO
CALIFORNIA LAW, WHAT WE DID WAS
TECHNICALLY NOT ILLEGAL AND NOT
THAT CRAZY EITHER, OK? HERE.
COME HERE. LOOK.
>> WHAT'S THIS?
>> IT'S A BLOG DEVOTED TO
COUPLES WHO ARE RELATED.
>> [READING]
"TOM AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER
FOR TWO YEARS AND FEEL THAT
BECAUSE WE ARE RELATED,
HAVE A STRONGER BOND THAN ANY
OTHER NON-INCEST COUPLE.
FOR US, INCEST IS THE BEST
OF ALL WORLDS." WOW.
>> YEAH. THEY GO ON TO TALK
ABOUT THIS SCIENTIFIC STUDY THAT
WAS DONE SHOWING THAT, YOU KNOW,
SIBLINGS WHO ARE RAISED TOGETHER
DEVELOP THIS INNATE SEXUAL
REPULSION, BUT YOU KNOW,
WHEN THEY'RE SEPARATED AND
RAISED APART LIKE US, UH,
YOU KNOW, THEY DON'T HAVE THAT.
>> OH. SO THERE WAS NO WAY WE'D
FEEL LIKE WHAT WE DID WAS WRONG.
>> YEAH, AND APPARENTLY IN OTHER
CULTURES AROUND THE WORLD,
THEY DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH IT EITHER.
>> BUT MOTHER NATURE HAS A SAY.
YOU GET FREAK BABIES IF YOU
INBREED, RIGHT?
>> UH, WELL, UH...
LOOK, WE USED A CONDOM. IT'S OK.
WE'RE FINE.
>> I WAS BORN DAMAGED LIKE THAT.
>> NO.
>> LOOK, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW HARD
IT IS, HOW PEOPLE LOOK AT YOU. I
DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN AGAIN.
>> IT WON'T. I PROMISE. OK?
>> DOES THAT MEAN WE
HAVE TO STOP?
>> 'CAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO?
OH, MAN.
>> THIS IS WRONG.
>> LOOK, ONLY IF YOUR MOM'S
RIGHT, OK? WHAT IF SHE'S WRONG?
WHAT IF WE'RE NOT RELATED
AT ALL? IT'S ALL GONNA BE FINE.
HEY. [CLEARS THROAT]
>> HEY. MATTIE. EMME. HOW LONG
YOU GUYS BEEN HERE?
>> UH, ABOUT AN HOUR. UH, YEAH,
EMME'S NEVER SEEN THE OCEAN
BEFORE, SO I THOUGHT THIS'D BE
THE BEST PLACE TO CHECK IT OUT.
>> GREAT. WELL, YOU GUYS ARE
GETTIN' TO KNOW EACH OTHER, SO,
UH, I'LL GET OUT OF YOUR WAY.
>> UH, ACTUALLY, UH, CAN I TALK
TO YOU FOR A SECOND?
>> OF COURSE.
>> YEAH. UM...
>> HUH? SHE'S A GREAT GIRL, HUH?
HUH?
>> YEAH. UM, UH, LOOK.
THERE'S SOMETHIN' THAT YOU NEED
TO KNOW, AND I-IT MAY COME AS
A BIT OF A SHOCK.
>> SURE.
>> EMME--EMME FORGOT HER
BIRTH CONTROL AT HER HOUSE, AND,
UH, WE NEED AN EMERGENCY
PRESCRIPTION.
>> OF COURSE. OF COURSE.
I'M JUST GLAD YOU'RE BEING SAFE.
[CHUCKLES]
[BELL RINGS]
>> HEY. PRETTY GREAT WHAT
HAPPENED TO WALDEN, HUH?
>> NO. IT'S NOT PRETTY GREAT.
THE MAN SUFFERED SECOND- AND
THIRD-DEGREE BURNS. GONNA NEED
4 OR 5 PAINFUL OPERATIONS.
HIS SIGHT MIGHT BE COMPROMISED
FOREVER.
>> OK. JEEZ. MR. SENSITIVE.
WHAT, YOU DON'T THINK HE
DESERVES IT JUST A LITTLE BIT?
>> NO. I DON'T. AND THAT KID
WHO DID IT IS GOING TO JAIL,
SO IT'S NOT A HAPPY ENDING.
>> HELLO, DARLINGS. MAY I JOIN
THE WAKE? YOU HAVE READ IT,
RIGHT?
>> READ WHAT?
>> WELL, I NEVER TAKE THESE
THINGS TOO SERIOUSLY, BUT, UH,
WE WERE JUST SKEWERED IN THE LOS
ANGELES TIMES. UH, PERHAPS YOU
SHOULDN'T SEE IT. GIVE IT BACK
WHEN YOU'RE DONE. AND, DARLINGS,
DON'T LET THIS AFFECT TODAY'S
WORK. SEAN, YOU ARE NOT FLAT AND
MONOTONE, AND, KATE, DARLING,
YOU ARE NOT...
>> "A LUMPY ZERO."
>> [MUTTERS]
I'LL SPLIT IT WITH YOU.
>> GET YOUR OWN. IT'S THE ONLY
THING KEEPING ME FROM SUICIDE.
>> * GO, GO, GODZILLA *
>> I SEE. THANK YOU.
>> HEY, JULIA. I MADE SOME OF MY
HEALING TEA. THINK IT'S REALLY
STARTIN' TO WORK. I FEEL LIKE
YOU'RE GETTIN' BETTER.
DON'T YOU?
>> YOU DRINK IT.
>> HEH. WHY WOULD I DRINK IT?
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S BEEN SICK.
>> THANKS TO YOU.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN,
JULIA.
>> DON'T YOU? YOU'VE BEEN
POISONING ME WITH ALL YOUR SOUPS
AND THE TEAS AND THAT FRUITCAKE.
>> I THINK WHATEVER YOU HAVE IS
STARTING TO SEEP INTO
YOUR BRAIN.
>> YES, IT HAS. MERCURY
POISONING DOES THAT TO YOU.
IT KILLS THE ORGANS AND DESTROYS
THE BRAIN CELLS. I JUST GOT OFF
THE PHONE WITH THE TOXICOLOGY
LAB. I SENT THEM THAT LAST PIECE
OF FRUITCAKE. IT HAD AN 80%
CONTAMINATION RATE FOR MERCURY.
I HAVE PROOF OF WHAT YOU'VE BEEN
DOING TO ME. YOU MADE A MISTAKE
IN UNDERESTIMATING ME, EDEN.
YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL. YOU ARE
A SICK, SICK GIRL, AND YOU NEED
TO BE LOCKED UP!
>> I'VE HAD FUN. YOU KNOW,
WATCHING YOU SLOWLY GET WEAKER
AND WEAKER. I COULDN'T WAIT
EVERY DAY TO COME HOME AND SERVE
YOU A CUP OF TEA, BOWL OF SOUP.
POURING THE MERCURY IN WAS THE
HIGHLIGHT, REALLY, KNOWING IT
WOULD EAT YOU AWAY FROM THE
INSIDE OUT. I COULD NOT WAIT TO
LITERALLY REMOVE YOUR PATHETIC,
WHINING PRESENCE FROM THE PEOPLE
THAT I LOVE THE MOST IN THIS
WORLD--MY MOTHER, SEAN. BUT I
CAN'T ARGUE WITH PROOF, NOW,
CAN I? YOU'VE OUTSMARTED ME,
JULIA.
YOU WIN.
[SETS DOWN GLASS]
I HAVE TO PAY FOR WHAT I'VE
DONE. I'LL GO PACK MY BAGS,
AND WE CAN WAIT FOR MY MOTHER
TO GET HOME, AND I, UM--
I'LL CONFESS EVERYTHING TO HER
AND TO THE POLICE. I'LL CON--
>> [GASPS]
>> IT'S OK. I'M GONNA CONFESS.
I'M...
I'M SORRY.
YOU REALLY SHOULD LOCK UP YOUR
FIREARMS AND NOT LEAVE 'EM IN A
BEDSIDE TABLE DRAWER, YOU STUPID
BITCH. YOU KNOW, YOU WERE RIGHT
ABOUT ONE THING, JULIA.
I MADE A HORRIBLE MISTAKE.
MERCURY TAKES TOO DAMN LONG.
>> OHH!
[GUNSHOT]